shenanigans

when does dispair
turns to melancholia
turns to deep childhood nostalgia
and then to due introspection?

...but in fact i was always afraid
that i would be left alone
since my childhood
when i remember vividly weeping
and playing with pencils
when my mother was late from work
trying to find something
to occupy myself with
and perhaps escape from feeling
the loneliness, its every bit

later my proudness, my ego, took over,
tried to prove to myself that
i didn't in fact need anybody,
and could play on my own,
with my own toys.

when i changed countries,
i gradually lost my old friends,
and the new ones were sparce -
i still meet them,
but i cannot say that i trust
that we care for each other -
if time passes
and we don't find each other on the phone,
that would maybe seem natural,
as something that just had to be.

so it dawns on me
that i am chased by that loneliness
i always feared
and always loathed
and yet always tried to learn to live with.

i need to have my private moments,
and feel rather baffled
in a big company of people,
but even then i think that on my own
i converse with myself about other people,
or daydream or fantasize,
or make something that
i would like to show to somebody,
someday.
like writing down a diary of thoughts,
but hoping openly that someone
some day might read them,
and understand me better.

threw away my diary, on a whimsical impulse,
some day.
filled it rarely anyway,
and those were thoughts
i was never quite proud of.
some were like having been written
to "write my pain away"

well...

didn't learn how to make friends,
didn't try,
didn't learn how to attract people,
how to take care..
always tried to prove to myself
that i was independent,
and self sufficient.
and didn't need to ask for anything.
the most dreadful thing was
to find at some point that i needed
to ask for a favour.
no.
this would never be.
so gradually other people,
everyone around me saw
what i wanted to show,
that i didn't need them,
and that i didn't care.

but i think this is just what seems.

i think that i just never matured
from that weeping kid on the floor
feeling the first tinges of how
it is to feel being alone.

i am still that kid,
and when i'm left alone
i seem to burst into tears.