ωραία τα λέω

συνεχίζω να ποστάρω πράγματα παλιά, για να ξεκαθαρίσω λίγο το παρελθόν. το παρακάτω έχει γραφτεί, ενδεχομένως, σε μια προσπάθεια να βγάλω από μέσα μου σκέψεις που με απασχολούσαν, σε ένα ανώνυμο κοινό, καθώς πρέπει να το πόσταρα σε ένα αμερικάνικο autism-related social forum. πιο μακριά δεν γινόταν, λέω εγώ. ίσως να ήταν equivalent του να μιλάει ένας teenager για τα προβλήματά του στο AI, αντί να τα συζητήσει απευθείας με τα άτομα που τους αφορά. heck, μοιάζε με μένα να μοιράζομαι τις σκέψεις μου με το AI, και ότι άλλο πιο απόμακρο υπάρχει (ίσως το πιο απόμακρο σε αυτή την παράξενη διαστελλώμενη κλίμακα είναι ο πραγματικός εαυτός μου; αυτός που μοιάζει γνώριμος αλλά και εντελώς απλησίαστα άγνωστος; ) ... αλλά τα έχουμε συζητήσει και με όσους πρέπει και χρειάζ(ομαι)εται.

29/04/2024

I've met my ex a few days ago. I don't like the word "ex", it's so short that it almost reduces someone to nothing one tends or wants to remember - a two-letter negation. In fact, I am using this word only because I hear it being used all the time. Even after a certain relationship has been terminated, words like X or Y or Z still has some kind of an aura of a relationship, which takes us to the past. 

Indeed sometimes, lots of times, I have felt negatively towards her, lots of our quarrels were about... seemed to be about, in my words, a full-blown turn off one of us felt because of a failure of expectations - or maybe a failure to connect. Sometimes we would connect so well, but this connection would fade eventually among the everyday chores, sometimes within a couple of weeks.

Most of the times (as far as I remember, because memory is murky already) it was me who would be blamed for lack of sensitivity, thoughtfulness, other types of resourcefulness (creating more problems than could be solved), lack of love, maybe. A couple of times the decision to part came from me as a cold-blooded practical verdict. 

Usually I would feel some vibe in a discussion, and puff it up in my mind, oftentimes getting an exaggerated or wrong impression about the other's motives, with a conclusion of becoming very defensive. 

Subsequently, without being able to explain this reaction either to myself or to her, I would get very frustrated and wounded, and in the ensuing discussion I would be very forward in showing all my bad sides, even imaginary/theoretical ones, and show very vulnerable. (my imagination wanders off here: tactically this would seem like either playing a victim, or, like a cat, doing a diversion move showing a belly in order to jump and tear when the enemy lets their defenses down). Only I would not think like this during the actual interaction, although once or twice I would actually do an offensive. Not cool-headed, just some trash word a kid would use, "you're a fool! (you understood it the totally wrong way)" kind of thing. 

In general, I detest this kind of analysis (that of a cat and belly game) and do not want to play any kind of game. I feel that my feelings are genuine and I am incapable of doing tactical moves against my heart to gain something in the future. But I often wonder if subconsciously I do something like this (and I would even talk about it and present myself as a calculating and cold being, or the opposite, totally vulnerable being that seeks protection - because even in the darkest moments, my imagination roams and the autosarcasm seems like a sweet surrender)

She would then shut herself off from me, or distance a lot, and I would find it difficult or unfeasible or pointless to win her back (as I would be more merciful to her letting her find a better person than myself). Sometimes this happens in the opposite direction - I distance myself and she lets me go mercifully. (Or I just make this last one up - but know this has happened at least once). We finally break up, and I almost am relieved because most of the times all these tensions.. or the things leading to these tensions, have resulted in a lot of stress having been built up in myself too.

But I can't feel this negativity for long, it's like a wound but it's bearable, and then it doesn't pain that much - and I've always thought that the way to heal it would be to be close to her and to communicate with her. I can't seem or don't want to just forget / dismiss her. I tried it once already, during our first break up. After a few years we happened to meet again and she succeeded in bringing me back to her (even then I demanded persuasion even though I had a markedly more optimistic outlook on things and on life in general than I do now). I bonded* myself to her, psychologically, since then.

* That was the reason my mind clicked when I heard of Somerset Maugham's "Of human bondage" and the role this book plays in Philip K. Dick's "The Divine Invasion" (literally, a book discussed within a book). I read both books but either in the wrong time, or with the wrong mind, because they don't seem to have made me any wiser.

Sometimes this bond seems ambiguous in the fact that it is built on the things that I need, and does not take into consideration the things that she needs and I lack. It could be thought of as one-sided. Like this unrequited love they speak about, which is like paining about something that cannot be granted. Sometimes I think that this bond is akin to a child's love to their mother, where a certain love "back" is expected without needing to prove the love "forward". Sometimes I feel that this is the love that I need and seek in others, a love that I won't have to count in order to give the same (if any) amount back. And I realize that many people would seek not this kind of love, but a mutual give and take love that is based on a list of concessions and efforts both people will agree to do in and for a relationship.

I want to believe that I need that first kind of love not because of selfishness, but because that other kind of love acts on me as a constant pressure that I cannot always keep in balance - I have a consistent problem with understanding when what I give is exactly enough for what I get back. To explain - I always feel that what I am giving is not enough. And I try to give more, but it's never enough on my scale of things. My scale of things might be also "rigged" or slightly broken in ways hard to understand. For instance, my effort for some daily activities like socializing or driving would be measured differently by me and by her, and most of the times I would not be able to explain that it is hard, because a) I'm supposed to be tough and sure of myself and b) I don't even realize how it hits me.

I wish that what I could give back would be just not measured at all, and I would not measure what I get, because that would always be enough, proportional to what one is able to give.

What I heard a friend say in a discussion at a bar, that what he sees as love might be something that is not defined the same way by the person who is loved. But he is sure that what he means by love is to have this person in mind the first thing in the morning when you wake up, and think about this person while falling alseep in the evening. (*)

(*) οκ άσε, είναι η περίπτωση που τότε είχα ευάκουα ώτα.. τώρα μου φαίνεται σαν περίπτωση ποιητικότητας άνευ ουσία. εξιδανίκευση μιας αγάπης που πρακτικά ποτέ δεν θα λειτουργούσε, και άρα στην πράξη εγώ δεν την καταλογίζω ως αγάπη.

The crushing difficulty is to understand and come to terms with the fact that I cannot give the minimum of what is needed by the other person.

I am not saying that somebody demands something from me. But to need something that I do not have is a valid point that should not be mixed up with a manipulative behavior. Especially when this point is voiced loud and clear and has been discussed.

An ethical mistake one could do would be to mention that what they need and I fail to provide is also the norm, effectively meaning that I would never be able to sustain a "normal" relationship. It is a mistake because what is "normal" is generally debatable. But for the same reasons, by debating what is "normal", am I not doing an ethical mistake of denying a person the right to need something, when it is more than I can give? When the word "normal" comes into discussion, I again become wounded, defensive and angry.

Perhaps, there is no "normal", there is "me" and "you", there is what I need and what you need. It is sad to realize that I cannot give you what you need, and that excludes me from being close to you. What is that that I cannot give? It is the selfless love and care and dedication. Being in tune and connected to you. These are my own words. I have never asked you exactly. Or I don't remember what you answered.

κάποια στιγμή τέλη '22 ή αρχές '23

με ρώτησες αν έχουν autistic value κάποιες (θετικές) εμπειρίες με την a. οι αναμνήσεις έχουν autistic value. (*) (ίσως i misunderstood the whole meaning of the question) η πληθορικότητά της, η αλτερνατιβίλα, η εφηβικότητα, η παραξενίλα/διαφορετικότητά της. επίσης το γεγονός ότι ενίοτε, ή ένα μέρος τουλάχιστον του εαυτού μου, της αρέσει και την τραβάει. η σχέση μας πάντα έτσι ήταν - ήταν πιο δυνατή τις στιγμές που δεν είμασταν μαζί και συνομιλούσαμε ο ένας με τον άλλον μόνο στις αναμνήσεις και φαντασίες μας, ενδεχομένως ωραιοποιόντας ή παραλείποντας κάποια στοιχεία. (*) (έλεγα/λέω εγώ.. προφανώς εκφράζοντας τον εαυτό μου, όχι εκείνη, ή την "δική μου" εκείνη-ως-ιδέα κατά την συνήθεια που μου προσάπτεται)