ew

it's yesterday that i saw myself going upstairs to pay our rental, and presenting our hosts with a boiled lobster, half-laughing and half-embarassed myself because i was unsure whether the lobster was boiled in the right way. probably the fact of seeing a lobster was caused by me watching (or rather, trying to see) that woody allen movie (i'm voluptiously tempted to say "flick" instead of "movie", but i do not give in) - "annie hall", where, during their happy first days, the heroes (woody & diane keaton) run after some half-live lobsters that got out of a shopping bag.

eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww sure kiss



today i saw many things; the things i remember more distinctly are me taking some shortcut to somewhere, long past sunset, in a neighbourhood vaguely known to myself (as it happens in dreams, you are sure you know the district etc. but then can't remeber or place it in your real life) - so - i took a shortcut, and it was raining mercilessly, and i wanted to get across the street, and there were poodles of water everywhere, and there was this big big poodle near the curb, as it usually happens in athens, and i went into it, and after some seconds was pushing forward literally to my waist in water, that black nightly murky kind of water. i didn't reach the turning i originally had planned to reach, and turned back, possibly scheming for another, less liquid shortcut to wherever i was hurrying. then i remember meeting a girl, a romantic acquaintance from long long ago, supposedly (it was noone i know or knew in real life, i think) - and i think - at some point we walked back from somewhere, the three of us (there was some friend too), and were deciding on what routes each of us would take to their homes. and during walking i think we took a small rest in a playground somewhere.

easy times. yearning times. tenseness. in-tensity. what happened?
take time to listen to some sludge metal.



unghhhh.. shake the disease?!
(understand me)
i've been loading a new program i have ordered from a magazine
"... hello, i know you must be feeling tired, i bring you ..."
"hello, i know you are unhappy, i bring you ..."

reaf

"...I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain..."
Bene Gesserit litany against fear

crunch

"...and the man in the mirror has sad eyes..."



my list of tales that look like disturbing dreams:

kafka's "metamorphosis"

joe orton's "head to toe"

lynch's "eraserhead" (movie)

angela carter's "infernal machines of dr. hoffmann"

haven't read that yet, but maybe so...:
margaret atwood's "housemaid's tale"

could be:
orwell's "1984" and various other utopistic fiction like huxley's "brave new world", zamyiatin's "we", karenthy's "metropolis" (nothing to do with the movie) - but they all have a logical core and are not dreamlike enough, methinks

princeton

it's not that i'm shitty formal
it's not that i want to put a check in my log-book
that i talked to you once in a while
and thus we keep in touch
i phone to you sometimes
because i want to talk to somebody i know
but in the end i find it difficult to talk
because i don't expect you to have patience anymore
with my whims, my pauses, my chaotic thoughts, my sighs
i know that i'm tiresome
i'm a confessive type
but also the one who stomps about on the same place
whines about the same things
i don't know who you are anymore
right now you are the one who loves me
and who cares
and your features are blurred
you are not someone in particular,
and now you disappear
because i cannot believe anymore
that you can exist at all
i too am tired of these endless discussions
and i know too that they lead nowhere
they just bruise the consciousness
widen the gap between us
shed light at how wide it is
do i love anyone?
suppose i have to
how can i expect to be loved then?
do i care?
besides the everyday do's and don't's
maybe i forgot how to love
and now i only can love
as a way of a gratitude..
endless gratitude.
how can so many opposite things unite in me?
people say about egoism, egocentric personality
everything revolving around "I",
"ME" loving, and
endless gratitude for someone who can love "ME"
so unsure so perplexed of myself
so childlike, so in fear..


at some point i let fear into me
since then it became a constant fixture