princeton

it's not that i'm shitty formal
it's not that i want to put a check in my log-book
that i talked to you once in a while
and thus we keep in touch
i phone to you sometimes
because i want to talk to somebody i know
but in the end i find it difficult to talk
because i don't expect you to have patience anymore
with my whims, my pauses, my chaotic thoughts, my sighs
i know that i'm tiresome
i'm a confessive type
but also the one who stomps about on the same place
whines about the same things
i don't know who you are anymore
right now you are the one who loves me
and who cares
and your features are blurred
you are not someone in particular,
and now you disappear
because i cannot believe anymore
that you can exist at all
i too am tired of these endless discussions
and i know too that they lead nowhere
they just bruise the consciousness
widen the gap between us
shed light at how wide it is
do i love anyone?
suppose i have to
how can i expect to be loved then?
do i care?
besides the everyday do's and don't's
maybe i forgot how to love
and now i only can love
as a way of a gratitude..
endless gratitude.
how can so many opposite things unite in me?
people say about egoism, egocentric personality
everything revolving around "I",
"ME" loving, and
endless gratitude for someone who can love "ME"
so unsure so perplexed of myself
so childlike, so in fear..


at some point i let fear into me
since then it became a constant fixture